Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Where oh where has my underwear gone?

My underwear have been disappearing at an alarming rate. I have absolutely no idea where they've gone. Perhaps Dobby-like creatures are using it to procure their freedom. Certainly indentured elves no longer maintain this household. That's why my kitchen is so dirty... my briefs have set the elves free!

It is also highly possible these undergarmets are disappearing down the labradork's gullet. If this is the case I foresee an embarrassing surgery in which my panties are put on display. Let's hope they pass and can be scooped with all the other yard nuggets. It wouldn't be the first time underwear was found in the front yard.

At any rate my lack of undies prompted me to start a new sewing project - underwear. I was additionally inspired by this and this. I did not have a pattern and thought I'd simply make one from a pair of old panties. Then I ran into a little (or not so little) problem: when one decides to sew oneself a pair of underwear one is presented with a very literal and visual representation of the actual size of one's buttocks. Let's just say not pretty.

My first two attempts were hopeful representations and ended with garments that, at best, were modified thongs. I do not do thongs. In the undergarment realm I'm with Beyonce and fully believe in granny panties. Really. Thongs are things you wear on your feet in the summer. They have no business on or near the derierre.

My third attempt ended with a baggy adult diaper. Not attractive or comfortable. I may keep that pair. After all I'm no spring chicken and it might come in handy in the future. But today I don't need a diaper.

Basically I need a good well fitting pattern. But, honestly, I don't want to look at the size of my arse on paper. So I broke down and went to Target. They had adorable panties on sale that actually fit my backside.

I haven't given up. I went to the cardiologist yesterday and got the go ahead to exercise. My heart is fine. Irritable but fine. I'm having multiple premature atrial contractions which are annoying but not dangerous. So my plan is to exercise, shrink my backside and try this sewing thing again. But for now I'll stand proud because baby got back.


Molly said...

i too have a disappearing underwear problem! and i can't find any at the stores that i want to buy. my family teases me that i should crochet myself a few thongs. haha. and i have to admit that the big butt song is quite popular in our house, much to my dismay, though it brings back some fun memories of my teenage years :) thanks for the acoustic version - that was great!

Tania said...

What's next? A bikini? Brave or what?!

The thought of sewing undergarments scares the bejesus out of me. It's probably because I have limited faith in my own sewing ability and WHAT IF THEY POP OFF?

(Hey, nice having you come by for a visit - you should see the dog when the 'jumper' is removed. Sort of like a full body version of 'hat-head'!)

Gayle said...

Yay! I'm so glad your hear is fine! What wonderful news!

For undies, I stick with plain old Hanes bikinis. They last forever and they don't disappear! (I'm with you on the thongs being footwear!)

LaughingFamily said...

Laughing throughout this post...thanks! The mental images were great, and then the acoustic version of "I Like Big Butts" was the icing on the cake!