Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Sex and Drugs

Boy will the perves be peeved when they find this post. Read on safely, read on - with one warning. A photo below may be too much for some young eyes. My kids? Been there, done that. They think it's hilarious. We don't coddle them much. Okay, you've been forewarned. Continue on.

I am allergic to juniper. No. Let me rephrase that. I am allergic to many, many, many things including juniper. Actually a better way to define my allergies is to say I am not allergic to mold. I am also not allergic to medications nor do I have known food allergies. Having said that I’ve had two cases of full body hives to which I can not attach a cause. Food may or may not be a culprit. And there are certainly times, especially after rich meals, when a bathroom becomes an absolute necessity. Things can move very quickly through the bowels. Enough said.

But, as far as environmental allergies are concerned, I am allergic to the world. And, yes, this list includes dogs, cats, rabbits, rats, mice and hamsters. Good veterinarian, good. Sit. Stay.

To counteract my allergies I take daily anti-histamine tablets and subject myself to allergy shots. I started getting four shots twice a week. I’ve been a compliant patient and have now graduated to three shots every two weeks. Lucky me! These shots have been helping a lot. My asthma is better. My allergies are much better. Then the juniper pollinated. Oh lawdy I am a stuffy, watery-eyed, snot-nosed mess.

This afternoon I needed help. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I had to take all three kids to the dentist. So I stopped at a convenience store and went for the big guns - benadryl. Benadryl works. I can breathe. I can see. And I am wandering around in a fog. I set up a playdate for my daughter, she was to go to the neighbor’s house in fifteen minutes. I promptly forgot. Forty-five minutes later I remembered and she still got to play. But come on! Maybe it’s not the drugs. Maybe it’s early alzheimer’s.

I wish these trees would get a room already. Stop having your dirty dirty sex right in my front yard. I find yellow remnants all over my car! What has this neighborhood come to?

And speaking of neighbors. Remember my clothesline? My neighbors across the street do not have their own clothesline. But they elected to contribute to ours.

To be fair these boxer shorts were a gift from us after our trip to Italy. My neighbors went to Italy and all they brought me were these lousy boxers (actually we gave them grappa too - we do like our neighbors after all). And at least they put some laundry out on the line. I nearly peed my pants when I saw them out there, in the FRONT YARD, for all to see. We are trying to be environmental but we are not nudists. Really.

There has been an awful lot of sex in my yard. What’s a girl to do?


Shelli said...

Those boxer shorts are hilarious!!!!

I'm sorry about your allergies - I have suffered from many allergies too. For some reason, this year has been kind to me. But I know for sure I'm allergic to mold, and I used to live in an old house, and while I was living there, I was miserable as far as allergies go. It's been much better since I've moved to a newer house.

Blogging Molly said...

you should have picked up a big box of prophylactics at the drug store too! those naughty junipers, getting busy in broad daylight and leaving a mess to boot. those boxers are hilarious - i stared at them for a few seconds trying to figure them out - they almost look three dimensional on my computer screen.

Anonymous said...

It's called re-gifting.

Anonymous said...

Love the shorts.

Honorary Indian said...

OMG. Absolutely priceless. Gotta get some of those for my dad.

mermaid musings said...

crazy shorts!!!

Now I love that song too from blink182 and your scarf for Jen's cause is a blessing for you and your family. Bless your kind generous heart dear...