I am very excited to have you over tomorrow night. I want to let you know that my house will be cleanish. Emphasis on the "ish". I will do my best to ensure there is toilet paper on the holder in the bathroom. I also hope to have soap *and* a guest towel present. It is highly likely these items will be confiscated and/or dumped on the floor by the little people who live here. If this occurs I apologize. I have threatened bodily harm. Clearly my bark has no bite.
My carpets have been vacuumed. I can tell the difference. You? Not so much. The upside is that if you spill an entire glass of red wine on the floor --no problem. The dog will lick it up. And the stain? It'll go nicely with the others.
Feel free to wear fancy shoes with spiky heels. You are more than welcome to walk across my wood floor in said shoes and add to the surface's "rustic appeal". You may elect not to wear shoes. This is also fine. However I can not be held responsible for the yellow fur that will gravitate towards you like a magnet seeking it's mate. Along those same lines -- black is not the best color choice for your evening ensemble. Beige is always good. I can send you a fur sample in advance if you'd like to coordinate.
If you are offended by dogs, cats, cockatiels, poultry or fish you may not want to attend. I will do my best to keep the pets at bay. They are only dangerous in their excessive exuberance. Actually I lied. Do not stick your fingers in the cichlid tank. That would not be wise.
If you have allergies you may want to take a benadryl (or two) before arrival. I hear it mixes nicely with alcohol. I'm happy to drive you home but you must be willing to ignore the condition of my car. Smashed up goldfish crackers are the height of vehicular fashion. No. Really.
Before your arrival I will light a few candles. I'll also have a cobbler in the oven and coffee brewing. This, hopefully, will mask any untoward smells that might, perhaps, linger in this house.
There is a strong chance you will find fingerprints on the walls and paint on the floor. You might notice our coat closet door has been *ahem* bashed in. Twice. Once by a fist and once by a skateboard. Someday we might fix this. Then again we might not.
I do not recall the last time my windows have been washed. It may have been years. Fortunately it will be dark outside eliminating the necessity to look outward. Plus one can always open the door if need be.
Just for you I am clearing the kitchen table. We will have a place to sit and to chat. I must also tell you that once upon a time we had a full set of wine glasses. This is no longer the case. I now own a motley crew of glassware and you may find yourself drinking from a jelly jar. Trust me -- the beverage tastes the same.
As you will see we are not fancy folk. Rather we strive to live in an environment that is welcoming and comfortable. We want you to put your feet up. To lounge and to sprawl. To giggle and to make a little mess. We want you to feel at home.
See you tomorrow!