Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dear Women in my Book Club

Dear Women in my Book Club,

I am very excited to have you over tomorrow night. I want to let you know that my house will be cleanish. Emphasis on the "ish". I will do my best to ensure there is toilet paper on the holder in the bathroom. I also hope to have soap *and* a guest towel present. It is highly likely these items will be confiscated and/or dumped on the floor by the little people who live here. If this occurs I apologize. I have threatened bodily harm. Clearly my bark has no bite.

My carpets have been vacuumed. I can tell the difference. You? Not so much. The upside is that if you spill an entire glass of red wine on the floor --no problem. The dog will lick it up. And the stain? It'll go nicely with the others.

Feel free to wear fancy shoes with spiky heels. You are more than welcome to walk across my wood floor in said shoes and add to the surface's "rustic appeal". You may elect not to wear shoes. This is also fine. However I can not be held responsible for the yellow fur that will gravitate towards you like a magnet seeking it's mate. Along those same lines -- black is not the best color choice for your evening ensemble. Beige is always good. I can send you a fur sample in advance if you'd like to coordinate.

If you are offended by dogs, cats, cockatiels, poultry or fish you may not want to attend. I will do my best to keep the pets at bay. They are only dangerous in their excessive exuberance. Actually I lied. Do not stick your fingers in the cichlid tank. That would not be wise.

If you have allergies you may want to take a benadryl (or two) before arrival. I hear it mixes nicely with alcohol. I'm happy to drive you home but you must be willing to ignore the condition of my car. Smashed up goldfish crackers are the height of vehicular fashion. No. Really.

Before your arrival I will light a few candles. I'll also have a cobbler in the oven and coffee brewing. This, hopefully, will mask any untoward smells that might, perhaps, linger in this house.

There is a strong chance you will find fingerprints on the walls and paint on the floor. You might notice our coat closet door has been *ahem* bashed in. Twice. Once by a fist and once by a skateboard. Someday we might fix this. Then again we might not.

I do not recall the last time my windows have been washed. It may have been years. Fortunately it will be dark outside eliminating the necessity to look outward. Plus one can always open the door if need be.

Just for you I am clearing the kitchen table. We will have a place to sit and to chat. I must also tell you that once upon a time we had a full set of wine glasses. This is no longer the case. I now own a motley crew of glassware and you may find yourself drinking from a jelly jar. Trust me -- the beverage tastes the same.

As you will see we are not fancy folk. Rather we strive to live in an environment that is welcoming and comfortable. We want you to put your feet up. To lounge and to sprawl. To giggle and to make a little mess. We want you to feel at home.

See you tomorrow!




SMJ said...

Yes, we are a group with high standards! But luckily (for me) we only have high standards about our friends and not our house-keeping :) Like I always say, my house is not a museum. Can't wait to see you!

PS Our pantry door was also bashed in by some mystery event. We found it could be hung inside out so the smashed in part is on the inside of the pantry. Yes I am full of helpful household tips!

Effy said...

This post made me laugh so hard...and I felt the kindredness of your spirit with mine even though we've never met. I have a hole in my dining room ceiling. We have named it Henrick. And let's not talk about the dust, the dog hair, the shoes no one has worn in six months sitting by the front door...

It's a good thing our friends come over to see us and not our house, eh? :D

Tammie said...

this made me laugh.

i wish i lived closer to you so i could attend your book club meetings. id fit right in. i'd come pre-pet haired.

Robin Norgren said...

whoo hoo a kindred spirit!

Msartist said...

My kind of book club! If i lived closer to you so I would love to be part of the fun~
PS. like you my coffee must be hot! I love an occasional iced coffee.
Have a wonderful rest of your week.

Theresa said...

You just perfectly decribed my house!! LOL. My parents cringe at our destroyed hardwood floors. Fortunately I decorate in primitive country style, so they are roughed up to perfection in my eyes. Three Boxers in ten years will do that. Your house sounds perfect, cozy and warm.....I would move in if I could!

Theresa said...

I have to add this.....the word I had to type for security to post my last post was...get this...MANGE....the irony is too much!! LOL just had to share.

Shalet said...

Oh thank you so much ladies! I'm quite glad to know I am not the only one!!

Patti said...

Dear Hostess~
Was there pet hair on the floor, fingerprints on the wall, paint somewhere unwanted? If so, I did not notice. I only noticed your welcoming smiling and the laughter and tinkling of glasses of all that happily attended. Your home was a welcome respite from daily life and an indulgence in girly giggles. Thank you:)

Joy! said...

You're my kind of people!

Shalet said...

You ladies are welcome anytime!

Tiffany said...

I came to you via your comment at Dottie Angel. I just have let you know that I rarely comment on blogs but laughed out loud with recognition at this post. Saying to myself "Oh, YES! I must follow her."

Shalet said...

Why thank you Tiffany! Seriously it is quite nice to know there are kindred spirits out there!

Pam said...

I am visiting you via Maya Made. This post just tickled me.

Amy said...

"I can send you a fur sample in advance if you'd like to coordinate." I laughed out loud. I think maybe I should start offering this to my own guests. And your house/household sounds *awesome*.