Monday, September 21, 2009

A letter to my children.

Dearest Children,

As of late it has become readily apparent that your father and I failed to indoctrinate you as to the proper use of several common household items. You are thus left with prodigious gaps in your education akin to the Grand Canyon. I am, therefore, composing this letter in an attempt to clarify these ghastly issues before said crevice becomes any larger. Additionally I fear you may enter someone else’s household and become increasingly bewildered if you see these aforementioned items used in a felicitous manner.

Ah where to begin ... where to begin? Shall we start from the bottom and work our way up? Most households have a substrate in their homes called a floor. This surface, which most often is wood or carpet or tile, is designated for walking and facilitates movement from room to room. If one were to clear debris from the gravity driven regions in our home you’d find we too have such a surface. The most common treatment of a floor is to keep the expanse clear from rubbish which permits an individual to ambulate with minimal effort. You may be shocked to find that not all persons climb and clamber when moving throughout their houses.

And speaking of rubbish on the floor - you may also be surprised to discover that most people do not store their clothing, neither clean nor dirty, in random piles throughout the house. You see, in 1903 Albert J. Parkhouse, an employee of Timberlake Wire and Novelty Company, invented the coat hanger. We, as a society, have taken this invention one step further and now hang a variety of clothing items upon this brilliant creation; coats to be sure but also shirts, pants, sweaters and skirts. Smaller articles of clothing are now typically stored in a piece of furniture called a dresser (this is a bureau with drawers which slide in and out). Clothing stored on hangers or in a dresser stays clean and wrinkle free. I highly recommend you join Mr. Parkhouse and give his hanger a good ol’ college try. .

Along the same vein another commodious invention is the clothes hamper. This is a vessel in which to store your dirty clothing items before their transfer to a washing facility. Hampers come in many shapes and forms from wicker to cloth to plastic. All function in a similar manner and are quite pragmatic. Many families find it is just as easy to toss their soiled clothing into a hamper as it is to toss said clothing on the floor. The contents are then contained and easily found on washing day.

There is also another household container that I wish to introduce to you. This container is called the garbage can. Believe it or not there are several of these cans throughout the house; one in the kitchen, one in each bathroom and a large vessel outside. These cans are for all of your household garbage items; paper scraps, pudding containers, banana peels and used fish tank filters. Indeed I would prefer odiferous and/or viscous items by-pass the interior containers and be immediately transferred to the larger can out of doors. Again many families find it easier to store their garbage in these canisters rather than to pry it off the floor at a later date.

And now, my dear children, I will close. This list of items is by no means all inclusive. There are other items such as hair and tooth brushes that still need to be covered. However I do not wish to overload your delicate systems with too much information in a single sitting. Please do not hesitate to ask questions if you are confused by such things as proper use of a hanger or a garbage can. I will readily assist you in your educational quest.

With all my love,



Debi said...

You are toooo funny!

Mrs. E said...

This is great!! (I didn't know who invented the clothes hanger!) I was surprised to see my oldest daughter's room had carpet. Her clothes covered it (clean and dirty) her entire teen years. When she left for college, we were delighted to find that it showed very little wear!!

the Lady said...

Yuck! I feel ya. My bedroom floor was completely covered with clothes, toys, books, and random crap till I was 12. Then a weird cleaning neatfreak gene kicked in. I hope it happens soon for your kids!

Gayle said...

Oh, Shalet, too funny and too true! So, how'd it go? Kids all whipped into shape now? heehee!

Herbal Tonya here said...

this is great! too funny and poignent! oh how life suddenly takes over....

tony(a) lemos